I'm so pissed at myself so many of my .txt file journal entries on my computer just disapered, no backup. I hate myself! I wanted to reread those, especially the one I wrote last night.
Anway, I never ended up going in person job hunting. Actually, I still haven't applied to any jobs. To me, it signifies giving myself up forever. I'm working! Fuck. And i'll get paid so little for it. Even less because i'm 18. What is up w that? I get paid almost $10 because i'm a few yrs younger than what they want....
I did spend New yrs alone in my room. I can't remember what I did that night.
Tomorrow I'm going job hunting! Soooo excitied.... I think I'm just gonna buy some vodka or wine before hand & get drunk so I can deal w it. That's what I always do anyway -- only ONE person has ever picked up on it. And he picked up on it within 5 mins of meeting me for the first time. He fucking knew! I wish I could've told him he was right, but y'know... it would've blown my cover at school. i can't rememeber his name anymore
I wish I could go to University right away but my family is too poor & they can't pay for it, so i'm working for half a yr then moving out when I have abt $10k saved up. It really really hurts seeing my friends being able to go straight to univesrity, move out of this shit town. I wish my parents weren't poor as shit so I can go w them. My decision was made for me i guess.....
I think i'm going to vomit from being so sad all the time. I hate it. I hate it. My brains turned to mush. I think it's dripping out of my ears
help there's only so much of this I can take and I wish i'd have reached the limit so many days, months, ago. please this is my personal purgatory there's nothing else to explain it by words don't and can't convey what's it's like it's repeating over and over again and i feel too helpless to even attempt to stop it i see a text from a friend and i feel like vomiting after i eat i feel like vomiting i do anything my stomach is being punched and the liquid inside wants to get out. this is too much but still, STILL not enough for me to do anything please god please this is my own making i did this all to myslef noone forced me to do this or become what i am and what im doing(nothing) it's a sick feeling the air feels sick sick sick sick. my head will split open from this shit inside it. all it's fed is shit. entertainment to distract but to never advance.
i know what i need to do to change this, i knew it 2 motnhs ago and i did nothing and im doing nothing now. how much longer until it becomes too much? it';s already past the threshould but still nothing is happening im doing nothing. nothing.
it takes too lomg to get here but i was here by the second day of novmeber. i've been in this loop for 3 months? GOD. how can anyone endure it? i can't when was the last time i even felt anything but mudane monotmny or sadness or anger or whatever im feeling now it';s been so long i want something real but everythings gone away i cant get up i try i get up but i fall t=right back down again na di try and try and try and noone really cares. i will be forgotten eventually these feeling have all been felt before these words have all been written before. it's dumb feeing like this, it's already been flet before. why shoudl i keep feelig ;ike this? why shouldi keep suffering because i can't be bothered? what am i doing? why not try or try but i tried and it fuck
distractions only work for so many minutes before i remmeber again. and again. the cyce repeats eberything is a blur THIS is a blur just like everything else i my brain is working too afast and too slow both occy=uring at this same time same place. i can't THINK RIGHT but all i do is THINK and look at the walls or this screen or that until the point i DO osmething else and it feels less real than my dreams or movies. i see movies so much my brain has associated words and pitures and paper and sleeping and dreams and black as more real than first person existance looking around it's never as real as the thoughts in my head and the pictures in my mind. please this isn;t living this is barely exietance all it is is purgatory and i'm the ONLY one that can change it why can't i do it?
almost New yrs, I have no plans. who would've thought? (kill me)
anyway, the past few days i've just been doing admin stuff, setting up accounts w the gov, etc. and trying to find a place to live. i haven't accepted my offer yet, but i'm probably going to move interstate to university. where i know noone. have no money. alone. still, i haven't completly made the decision yet... i'm so bad at deciding. i flitter from one option to another then back again, i just - i don't know what i want. i really really don't and i really wish i could just fuckinggg decide!!!!!! God!!!!!!!!!
i'm pervasively afraid of dying. and death. I say I want to die -- that i'm going to kms, "i'm actually going to do it this time", but i'm too scared to get the knife and slash mine or save up and buy a gun. and whenever I feel chest pain or I get a weird feeling in my head or hands or I dream some hazy propethic 'you will die with the next full moon' dream, i get so so scared. i don't want to die! but i do. i do i do i do.
Who even knows I exist? A few family members, maybe 10, some people from school remember me, maybe 20.... is that it? 30 people? Who would even come to my funeral?
Out of the people who know I exist, only [name] knows anything singificant or real about me. neither my family, or any other friends I ever had knew what I was really interested in. what i spent most of my time doing. even what music I liked. or maybe I didn't want anyone to know anything about me. maybe i don't want to know others.
none of those friendships were really real anyway.
I just, I don't want to die and be forgotten within a generation. Do you know the names of your great grandparents? grandparents? Do you know anything about them? I don't. They died and left people behind but when the people who had held the memories of them died too, there was nothing left. then they died and memory holders died and their memory holders died and died and died and there's nothing left of any of them.
Writing here again..... I still haven't applied for a job or hung out with anyone except one of my friends. my parents think i lead a sad life, i probably do. I got into university though.... One of the best in the country, somehow. Still do I accept it? Accepting it means I need to move interstate, knowing noone, all alone, w/ no money. I'm alone now, but i still have my family. moving means i'll have nothing and it takes a plane to get back here. i think i want to do it even if it's hard or i get. i just dont think i can take the isolation or boredom or the lack of continuity of my life currently. everything just stopped after i left school and i havent done anything since. sure, listened to new music made new things watched movies read books but i haven't done anything.
but really, would anything be different in a new city? i say i want friends but i've never made any effort towards making them -- and especially none towards keeping them..... i say i want to lead an interesting life, but i still sit soliatarily in my room.
"...forgetfulness is the only salvation" ---> I LOVE THAT QUOTE. I was reading thru my old journal, soooo angsty(I need to burn it), and I read that line and oh god I forgot how much I loved it -- ironically, I had also completly forgotten about it.
Sometimes I feel like I'm having a stroke -- I keep saying the wrong words and writing different words in place of others. Just then I was trying to write about something else, but I kept typing the wrong words; I tried to write drink and wrote `think` instead, tried to write why and wrote `what`; 'mind' instead of made; ... and just wrote my instead of `of` what the fuck? All happened in 2 sentences of eachother.... just writing this I keep making mistakes. I write better drunk, seriously -- I got an `A` the last time I wrote a paper drunk in class, all the other times I tried the same essay test (sober) I failed.
(Anyway) I love recording things that mean everything to me, but nothing to any-one else. Who else would want to read this word shit? Partly why I started this website, anything is intresting to me if it's about me.... sounds self-absorbed but I love looking at things I've made and re-reading words I've put in order even if sometimes I want to erase it all. I'll think about how far I've come, memories I have that wouldn't be intresting to anyone else, & I love it. If anyone else had the same experiences I ... Or maybe it's because I've purposefully imagined a life I wanted as a kid and put it into motion. When I was a child (approx. 7 - 11yrs old) I thought how that when I was older I WANTED to do drugs, I WANTED to kill myself, I WANTED to seem all depressed and sulky and then I'd take a sip out of a container that noone knew what was in. I wanted to self-destruct because I thought it was cool (maybe a part of me still does). When I'm going thru hell, I hate it and I do anything I can to drag myself crawling out.... but after, when all the dust settles I glance back and I want to live thru it again. Weird. Being happy makes me un-happy because I'm happy. Conflicting.
I DO associate being happy with God this all sounds so fucking elemenatry I can't fuckimg cop[e I write and write but it's always all so fucking shit
Still sitting at home doing nothing, I think I'm going out of my head (already). I thought it was Wednesday or Thursday -- but it was Monday (just now, Tuesday). But, to fix it by pressing the submit button on a job application or asking someone to hang out seems so daunting I just can't do it. It's so easy!!!! Myself - it's easy!!!!! Just send a text msg or press submit on an online page!!!!! What's wrong with me? I. just. can't. Maybe it signifies giving up. Or that suddenly, I can't do anything I want to anymore. But, I'm already not doing what I want to. Sitting at home all day isn't what I am but it's all I've ever seemingly done. When not forced to, thruout my life I just rot in bed all day.
I should text one of my friends, I want to or I don't if I wanted to wouldn't I have already done it? They don't hate me, I don't think. I don't hate them (I don't think....). I did let them all rot for the last month, but I think they still like me? I almost wish I was forced to work or just forced to leave my bed. If I think about it, I spend 23hrs a day in my room, only leaving for other rooms meters away from me. It's so fucking sad!!!!!!
The one time I knew a guy who lead a wholey different life to me (...the life I wished I had) and he would go out to parties, talked about orgys and drugs I wish I could get(he never gave me any, not even alcohol while I was still underage); and then he would ask to hang out with me and asked when I was free and everytime he would ask I would have the same answer, "I'm free" and one time he said it was sad I never did anything but go home. AND IT IS. He's right he's so right. I just want to want enough to stop living in this hell. It's hell fuck it's hell sitting in the same room all day. I'm so sick of it but still I can't bring myself to send that message or click that button. And here I am, talking to a screen instead of people fuck this is pathetic
I need to get a job. Besides saving money to move out, being home too much not talking to anyone in reality really really makes my head weird. I think too much then, & suddenly everything starts to fall apart. I've left the house only three times in the last week. Only seen one friend once. And I fall victim to inertia.
I need challenges and bad things to happen and to be in different places otherwise my mind decides to create it's own challenges for me. And it's not fun.
Simultaneously, staying at home too much enables me to continue on with things I love. I can watch movies, listen to music, learn a new skill, read, make, - all of which dies when I become too busy to even think. During exam season, all I was was study. It sucked.
But, it's so easy. It's so easy staying at home, sitting lying on my bed doing nothing but thinking and staring. Really, I love it. But I think my parents think I'm depressed and have no friends now.... lolz (I'd die before I admitted it)
See, I could post all my journal entries here,
but, what if someone who knows me finds my website? There's pages I would be embarrased abt.... & intrests I would feel so exposed by (really, I'm a private person and I love having intrests & doing things that most people in my life don't know about.
Through Oscar Wilde; “I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the one thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvelous to us. The commonest thing is delightful if only one hides it.”
As soon as I share too much, or they inadvertently discover them, I feel overexposed, raw, - like my nerves were pulled out of my body, & stretched out snapping. Sometimes I feel vaugely nauseous. Like some sick secret I don't want getting out, but really it's as deep as my parents finding out I drank alcohol once -- "Ohh my god! So crazy!" -- I would feel like vomiting if they knew even that. Back in 10th grade my parents found my stash, which only contained what? 1 can of beer, some empty vanilla essence bottles, and maybe 1/2 a bottle of death mix? Basically nothing, but I still wanted to run away from disgust that they found out abt something like that abt me. If someone I knew in irl read thru my journal.... like my journal where everything goes no rules, I would fucking kms. I couldn't fuckinggg deal! Imagine my parents or my brother or my anyone reading this!!!!!! Fuck!!!!!! But also, this doesn't go for strangers or people I've just met. I tell the old men and women who just talk to me on the street whatever and anything about me. Anything goes, I don't care. ) Maybe this was another mistake ....this should just stay hidden in the txt files I make, whatever.
.....Even just re-reading this what, 30 minutes after I wrote it, I already want to delete it all. I can't share anything about me, or anything I've done - I get so embarrased. I used to be so much worse those, like couldn't even write a comment on a youtube video bad. Because talking to people in person is okay - they'll forget what exactly I say. But writing lasts. Unchanged by memories or whatever!
When I put up my photos on the wall for school I had to be drunk there was no other way I could do it. I can;t even tell anything to my best friend without being blackout drunk ('blackout').... well, we're the same in that sense (no wonder we're such good friends) - & even if we don't forget everything we said we just pretend we do.
See how I can write about nothing for so long? My computer is filled with files and files of (usually incoherant) writings, rants, lists, ideas..... journal entries. I used to write it all on paper, but too likely to be read that way. I really need to burn my old journals that are still hid in my room...... Or just rip the pages and soak them in water under my bed util the words are too bloated to read. ....(I don't have the chance to burn anything). Fuck, also, I lost one of them!!!!!! I lost one of my journals!!!!! Okay, it wasn't really a journal, but just a stack of loose paper I wrote on - anyway, I don't remember where I hid it. All of it's from mid to late 2020, not good if anyone read the stuff I wrote back then....
There's not anywhere where I can
.....I believe that no matter where I run to, it doesn't matter. Paper journals can be stolen and read, websites are so fallible.... keystrokes hit on the keyboard are tracked, no matter where I go to write or think there's always chance of someone I don't want reading reading. It sucks. Anddd I just realised I so overuse dot dot dots