I wish I could write these on paper it's so much better, but y'know, don't want anyone finding them I'd die from embarrasment.
Yesterday we had a lockdown drill at school & A and I added to the realism.... only Sid commented on it. For the ball, I'm on a table w/ fucking B12, Shita, A, J, and a fuck ton of randoms I don't know. Y didn't want to join our tables together because she hates Shita, which, I get. I do too she's a fucking BITCH!
My confession: I don't like any of my friends; except L, M, Y, C, & A (most of the time, sometimes she's so fucking cringy and I really want to cut her rat tail she calls her hair off). Ok, maybe I just fucking HATE DESPISE NEED TO FUCKING BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF b12. And Shita. It's just, I don't like being around them. They make me pissed. Their existance is just, gross. I hate everything they like. I wish they would go away. I need more friends to do drugs w/, I live 4 drugz. Or, maybe, just friends who wont condemn or snitch on me for them.
I got _____ w/ C & A yesterday. We had C's house to herself, so we could just go at it and fuck yeah it was good. I hope she has the house 2 herself again soon so we can stay over the night. It's just so hard since she dropped out to find time for all of us to gether.
Ball was almost a week ago now, but it was so much more fun than I thought it would be. First bit sucked, then A & snuck to the bathrooms 2 get drunk, then we went to the dancefloor..... dancing is cringy. It is!!!!!!!! But, as soon as I got into a dance circle w/ like 10/15 other people (?) it was so fucking fun.
I skipped the next day, & friday was ok.
Now it's the fucking 'holidays' & I have soooo much fucking school work to do, but I don't want to do any of it. Fuck sport science! What if I fail that criteria? Then it'll all be for nothing. I just want to do stuff with my website, play games, watch movies, hang out w/ friends,... Not this existance, not right now. I'm not having fun.
Just had my last first day of school.... I can't remmeber much of it I was black out drunk for half the day. But really, it was bad. I left spec for like 40? 50? minutes and spent it in the bathroom hiccupping, dry retching, trying to puke (but I couldn't, I hadn't eaten in almost a day), & feeling like I was dying. Seriously thought I was going to pass out on the bathroom floor. I hope I didn't roll around in piss, because at that moment I didn't care where I was squirming or putting my face. I just wanted it to stop. There were other people in the bathroom with me, I think, maybe, although I don't think they said anything.
Apparently A said that I was talking reallyyyy fucking loud in class. Shit man.
Whatever. I don't care that much.
Rest of the day I saw M, L, S, F, Y... maybe some others too. I also went to my HG for the first time since first term to get my pink slip. Wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be (most things r worse in my head). I hope I didn't already lose it, I need it for exams.
Also still not looking to see if my documents went thru SEAS for vtac, I don't wanna know if I fucked that up too. Do I even want to go to uni? I've applied, but for what?
I have a test tomorrow, two on Wednesday, & one on thurs or fri. I need to finish my two sport sci assingments, print out photogrpahy & fill in a whole journal, do catch up tests for sport sci & retests, do whatever I can to raise my t grade to a c.... Ahhh fuck I hate my life. Still, it's better then most ppl's which is incomprehensible that this it. Ohhh fuck I'm just another whiney bitch complaining about how so fucking HARD her life is living in a well devoped, socially equal, safe, country w/ access to good education, medicine, shelter, food, wants... whatever. And I know this, I know, but life still sucks. I don't think I ever enjoyed it. And then, finally, I get to look forward to death. And that's the end. Other people will go thru the same motions as me, copying me as I do them. Nothing really changes. Whatever.
agod waht the fuck what the fuck hy the fuck do i have to be like this what the fu kwhat the fuck fuyck me fuck me fuck this i hate fuck
I've done my photography but I hate it. I do my makeup & I hate it. I put on clothes I hate it. I take them off I hate it. I hate fuck I hate shit I hate this fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I'm not sorry
I think about who I am, & I'm overcome by my ME. My shitty, stupid, spiteful, mean, venegeful personality. I'm a bad person. I don't try & hide it - infact, I embrace it.... I love it. It makes me happy(?), but sometimes I get clarity fuelled revelations & I just want to stop. Repent. Whatever. Confess all my sins & become a nun, dedicate my life to building houses for poor people in the third world or whatever goody good god garners I can do.
Usually it doesn't effect me - it just sloaths off, but sometimes all the bad things I've done wash up in my memories, soak into my skin & I can't take it. But, it's not like I'm a serial rapist or anything, I just hurt people. It's invevitable, it's who I am. I don't think anyones been better off for meeeting me. Or maybe I'm giving myself WAY too much credit for my influence
No-one REALLY cares you dumb fucking bitch stop being so fucking edgy and go KYS ALREADY!
Weird this is my second last week of highschool. It's all going to be over so soon. I already miss it even though it's not over yet.....
And I've been thinking lately, as much as I totally romanticise being younger (11, 12, 14, 16, 17, whenever) I would never go back to being any of those ages. I HATED myself back then. I mean, I still do. But, back then I was FUGLY & DUMB & ANNOYING & CRINGY & I FUCKING KNEW IT. Hell on Earth to be butt fuck ugly, down syndrome dumb, and soso annoying & not being able to change.
Anyway I'm so stressed with everything I need to do; right now I'm working on my two sport sci lab reports, they're taking so much longer than I thought they would. Then I need to cram for the sport sci test tomorrow, which Dolly did not FUCKING PULL THRU ON. Then tues night I cram for maths... same goes for wed & thurs. Joys of having multiple tests every. fucking. day. Soooo fun!!!!!!!!! I'm SO HAPPY!!!!!!!! GOD I LOVE LIFE!!!!!!!! But really, I don't have much to complain about. I have it too easy. Could've been born a third-generation child whore in a poor slum in a poor country surronded by poor, sick fucks.
Whatever. Life still sucks no matter how nice people are to you (but, it does make life a little more bareable). My friends (as fucking lame they are) are so nice to me. Too nice.
Really, all I want to do is sit down w/ some friends, smoke some photos, watch a cool movie, & eat shitty greasy food. Ahhhhh please God. All I want. Instead, back to grinding my life away.
Because even after this, it's not over. Never is (until you die (?)). After high school (college) is over - work at university! Work at intership! Work at work! Die ALONE. MISERBALE. OLD. DIE SHITTING YOURSELF IN A POOR RETIREMENT HOME. What a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And then, the cycle will continue. No-one will rememeber. I'm not unique in this. Other people have written this same sentence. Fuck.
I didn't get any of my grades up and my fucking econ teacher said he'd put one of my grades up to an A but he fucking didn't and now I'm gonna have to get four A's externally to get a HA. Fuck this shit I'm gonna KMS. I really thought I'd get a B in that differentiation retest too but noooooooooooo I got 61.2% compared to my 62% I got last time.... a B is 65%..... fuck.
Life is still going shit. I thought I'd be having fun, or dead by this point but I'm neither!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKING NEITHER. I'm just still BORED!!!!!!! FUCK! I reallyyyyyy wish I had some water today I rlly need it.
All my grades are worse than I thought. Fuck. I hate school, but simultaneously I don't want to be anything but a HS student. Because, not as much as when you're a kid, you have a veil of untouchableness to you. Oh she's just in highschool! Still a teenager! Peer pressure! She didn't know what she was doing! All of that GOES once you graduate.
Statistically, I'll die when I'm 83. Eighty fucking three. What will I be doing when I'm 83? But, I KNOW I'm not gonna live that long. Being that old is disgusting. Unnatural. I don't think I can deal with another 65 yrs of this bullshit. Because, in the end it doesn't matter how many years you lived beforehand. When you die, you can ONLY EVER lose the present moment. Nothing else dies.So, it doesn't matter if you die now or some point in the mind protected future - you're gonna lose the same thing.
I really really hate I hate that's all I do I hate and HATE AND
GOD I HATE THIS HOW CAN ANYONE EXIST AND BE LIKE "FUCK YEAH I WANT TO DO THIS FOR ANOTHER 60 YEARS WOOHOO!!!!!!!" LIKE WHAT? WHAT? YOU WANT THIS.... THIS????!! TO CONTINUE ON AND ON AND ON AND ON. 60, 70, 80 YEARS. HOW, WHY
Still, nothing changes.
4 days left of school. Graduation is tomorr today, I'm probably not going.
I feel like there should be something more to the end of school, but it just slowly faded out. Year 11 was boring, year 12 was the same. Everyone's going off to different places next year, and I'll probably never talk to any of them again. I don't want to talk to any of them again. Except A, maybe.
I will look back at college, and I'll miss it. But, really, there's nothing much to miss. I thought about that today while sitting in economics - while sitting in spec, & I realised just how boring most of school is. I like being able to say I'm still in hs - I like the protection it brings, but also it's so FUCKING BORING. If you want to make anything of yourself, besides _____________ ,there's nothing for you at hs (college). Still, I'm sad I'm leaving, but there was never anything there for me here anyway. I would never go back to who I was.
Calling yourself a uni student is disgusting though..... I hope I can get over that
I wonder what I'll be doing in the summer holidays? Working maybe? Then what uni course will I do? What ATAR will I get? Will I move to the mainland? Everything's shit. The worlds gone to even more shit then it was a few yrs ago. Everything is expensive and everything sucks. How will I even afford ANYTHING as a uni student working parttime? Can't I just move out without worrying about freezing to death because of energy bills. I really, really don't want to be living at my parent's house when I'm 20.
I'd kill myself, but also I only want to so that with a shotgun... no other method is as good.
I think I should be studying for exams right now, but I really don't care. I know I should, but I shouldn't.
I don't know what I feel like doing. I'm anticipating something; what of - I don't know. I don't know. I don't.
God I'm so bored. Boredboredbboredboredboredboredbored.
Not always, but I go thru phases in which the thought of sleep terrifies me. Going to sleep???? Hell. I hate the process. Lying down in the quiet, with just me & my thoughts. Hearing my heartbeat. Now all I can hear is my heart. What if I make my heart stop by thinking about my heart stopping? Oh my god. Now I'm thinking about breathing. Can you forget how to breathe? Oh god oh god. And it's starting again. Am I gonna die when I fall asleep? People my age died like that & they never knew they died. Just slipped in deeper. Ohhh godddddd.
Fuck this isn't good. Think about the people who just forgot how to sleep one day and could only rest when they died. Could that be me? Do I have it.... nowww I can hear my heartbeat again, is it this loud for everyone? I need to sleep I haven't slept in too long - but, I think I forgot how to fall asleep. And on and on. Sleep really freaks me out sometimes. And it just happens! Nothing really prompts this fear, just like how I can't make it go away - it just disappears sometimes. Whyyy me? I think too much when I'm alone, & whenever I think too much, things start to fall apart in my head. So, better not to think? No, the goal of life isn't happiness. Probably. I don't think there's any goal.... probably.
But nooooo noo IT6'S FUCKING FINE! NOT THAT IDHAD FUCKING 7HRS OF EXAMS YESTERDAY JUST Y I GOT NO SLEEP AND I SPENT THE WEEK BEFORE THAT CRAMMING NFUDAY AND NOW I HAVE ANOTHER FUCKING EXAM I HAQVE TO CRAM FOR I KNOW NOTHING. NOTHING. AND NOW YOURE TELLING ME OH ACTUALLY YEAH WE DO STILL NEED TO DO YOUR TUTORING IT'S NOT CANCELEED. HELLO? WHAT? NO FUCKING WAYYYY!!!!!!! AFTER ALL THAT, AFTER ALL I STILL NEED TO DO YOU WANT ME TO DO THAT? WASTE 3 HRS? YOU DO KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO RIGHT? ANOTHER 3 1/2 HR EXAM FOR THE HARDEST FUING MATHS CLAS SIN THE SCHOOL ONLT 18 PEOPLE OUT OF FUCKING 1 FUCKING THOUSAND 700 PEOPLE AT MY SCHOOL TAKE? NO BIG DEAL IT'S BE FUCKING FINE!!!! THEN I HAVE TO HWTA, DO ANOTHER EXAM? WHICH DETETMINS IF I GET INTO UNI OR NOT? BUT NOOOO OU STILL HAVE TO FUCKING GO STOP WHINING STOP WHING NOT LIKE YOIUVE EEN DOING EVERYTHING EVERDAY FOR WEEKS NOW. NO BIG FUCKING DEAL! WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A BITCH? ARE YOU ON DRUGS? YOU'RE ON DRUGS! YOU'RE DOING DRUGS! YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL MENTALHELP! YOU NEED TO GO TO A THERAPIST THIS. IS. NOT. NORMAL. WELL WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IM NOT ACTING NORMAL???? FUCKKKK YOU!!!!!! I'm so done
Back here. Fucking spec exam in a few hrs, I need to sleep - but, I still have 3 units to cram. Fml. I should get back to cramming.
There's not that much to say. I just want to do something other than studying. I hope I can meet up with C & A during the hols. It'll suck if we can't. Fuck I'm boring. Gonna kill myself. Later.
Even though the ages of 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, whatever, sounds fresh, "I would love to be 13 again". No! I wouldn't! Being younger again sounds great, but back then I
was so so ugly, cringy, and I knew it. I HATED myself for everything I was.
Back then I was so fucking hideous. Really, like a monster. Even looking back at photos of myself from 12 - 16 nowdays I still look ugly. I was ugly! No other way to put it. A pretty person thinking they're ugly is sad, tragic - "If only she could see her own beauty." An ugly person knowing they're ugly is disgusting - "Fucking fugly freak."
I didn't like one thing about myself. Not my voice, not my personality, not my hand movements, not my posture or my music taste or the books I read, the movies I watched, the way my hair looked or how my features sat on my face - I HATED IT ALL. I don't think anyone can understand the sheer amount of HATE I had directed soley to myself. I would look in a mirror - catch a glipse of myself in the reflection of the bus windows, and I would try so hard not to cry. I would mentally apologise to the people who had to look at my face, because I was SO UGLY just looking at me would ruin their day. God I hated myself.
And why me? Why did I have to be ugly? Act cringy? Be annoying? Why couldn't I be anyone else. Everyone else is prettier than me. Better than me.
It got to the point where I couldn't do anything, because ME doing something would ruin it. Like, wearing a cool pair of jeans. I couldn't do it. As soon as people saw me in them they'd puke & never wear those jeans again. Trend: ruined. Fuck so I'd wear ugly clothes to reflect myself. Anything else was a lie. Couldn't wear makeup either - it's like putting it on a pig.
I still hate myself. I still go thru phases where everything I've ever done & said is cringy. And I want to delete it all. But, the hell of being ugly & knowing it I never want to go thru again. I don't think I'm that pretty, but I grew into my face. I just had to give it some time.
I hope I never have to go thru that type of hell again. KNOWING you're UGLY, but also BEING UGLY is
But, I didn't know how to change and really, I couldn't. I tried - but, you need TIME to change.
FINALLY! Exams are over. Fuck econ fuck sport science fuck maths fuck photography - I'm FREE!!!!!!
Please, I'm soprry for whatever I did. I'm sorry i'm sorry! Just please please make this feeling stop. am I being punished? Why? Why? Please please please stop please stop please please please I'm begigng I'm beggin stop stop I cna't do it please go away please pleasee I can't live with this
I feel like killingmyself I can'y do anything everything I do is bad fuck this.
What's even the point of writing these words down there is no point there is none. What do I do now?
I think sometimes maybe
I hate heart papilatatiotions I justgot 2 thefirst few in ages it's really freaking me out
GOD I HATE MYSELF. Why just, why can't I just not be like this? Why me? Why? I hate everything I am I just don't seem to be able to COPE with EXISTANCE like everyone else seems to be capable of. I feel sick so so sick. I just, I don't want to deal with this anymore.
I don't want to leave my bed even though I know I'll have fun or make money or memories. I should get a job - I don't want to get up. I should apply for uni housing - I'll do it later. I should reply to that text - I don't feel like it. NO! I want to want to live life. BE alive. FEEL living & experience it. But, still - I really don't want to get up. Or sleep. Or be awake. Or keep on keeping on with existing. Fuck, this is bad.
If I met my past self I would fucking shoot her in her fat fugly fucking face! Fuck I was so annoying I hate hate hate hate hate who I used to be. God
I don't know what to do. I've been sitting at home doing nothing for 3 WEEKS now. Three fucking long boring hellish weeks. But yet, I still don't do anything to change it. Ughhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
it's a pure physical sensation, i vibrate with anger. my stomach wants to burst, my liver wants to burst, my muscules want to contract and explode. i hate and hate and hate and hate and IT'S REAL. i just, i can't not be angry. it's in all of us but i got a bit more than normal. PLEASE STOP! just, abandon it and trend hop onto the next thing ALREADY! pleaseeee die.
I despise my parents for being poor. I know life is inheriently unfair. I know I live in a good country. I know it could be worse -- my parents could have even less money or I could be homeless. But still, it's hard to not be resentful seeing how having money benefitted my classmates..... being able to go to school camps, going on even 1 holiday, more opportunities at school, making connections thru their other rich friends or expensive private school alumni, material possesions, etc. And now, going to university it hurts even more. My parents can't pay for anything. I don't know where i'm going to live -- or if i'm even going to be able to afford the move. And then I look to kids w rich parents who are paying for everything. Paying $800/week to stay in a dorm house w cleaning & every meal provided. Not worrying if they can eat or have a place to stay. It's so unfair and I'm so jealous. I hate them; hate them so so badly.
Being born poor is the most likely cause of staying poor thruout yr life. Being born rich is the greatest indicator of success. I hate this
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHJ,BH,JB,HJHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHB;ZI XC VNC.M,.X,XVZHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTHJISIMGOINNAFUCKINGKILKLMYSLE FTHIS EXFUCKMIN G IJUST SANT FU KING I HATGE MONEY OHATEMONETYTYIHATEMONETYAHOIHATEMONEYINEEDNEEDENNNEDDDN EEDM ONEYFUJCKMKRHNUSFEIHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHFUCKTHISFUCKTHISFUCKTHISFUCKTHIISFUCKTHSIFFUCK
I hope that all I felt was my hair -- and not a spider, and not my first step into a lukewarm pool of piss scented . Ohh godd I feel so itchy now. I can feel it in my back my arms my stomach my legs my hair. It's insipid. Creeping up on me like all myuniversity deadlines. Or that text I just got from Josh. This is so pedistrian. And meaningless. I love my parents. I don't want to leave. I don't want to stay. Fuck. What can I do?
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKKKKKK!!!!! ICAN'T DO THISANYMORE WHAT THE FUCK I'M SORRYYYY I'M SORRY! I WONT DO IT AGAIN I JUST THOUGHT I DIDNT THINK IT WAS THAT SIMILAR IM SORRY I FUCKLED IT ALL UP WHY AM I SO SENSITIVE? WHY DO I HAVE TO FUCKING BE SO PIERCED WHEN SOMEONE EVEN DOES THE SLIGHTEST THUNG OR COMMENT I SPIRAL. I FUCKING SPIRALLLLLLLLL! I DON'T WANT TO GOD TEEL ME THEM I DON'T WANT TO I DONT WANT TO SPIRAL BUT. I . JUST. DO AND I EVEN IF IT'S AN ALLUSION OR NOT FOR ME OR NO WAY TO CONFIRM IT STILL FUCKS WITH ME. IT IT MAKES ME SICK. I FFEEL LIKE PUKING I GET SHAKEY I JUST I JUST FUCK I WISH I DIDNT FFEEL LIKE THIS I WISH I WASNT SO SENSITIVE I WISH I COULD MAKE A CHOICE OR MAKE UO MYH MIND OR EVEN CLIKC A BUTTON REPLY TO THAT TEXT? WHY CANT YOU SEND ONE TEXT? WHY CAN';T THEY?
I went to school -- I hated it. I stay at home -- I hate it. The thought of a job? I hate it. I do nothing and I hate it I do something and I hate it; I think I just hate life.
There's a bad taste in my mouth. Cotton cotton cotton. I tore a hole in my leggings today. I feel restless and sluggish. I don;t know what to do. If I think about it too much, I feel like vomiting. Everythings too bright. I just killed a spider. It's blood is soaked into my sheets.
What can I do? I still don't want to go outside but I don't want to stay inside. I don't want a job, but I don;t want to be unemployed.... I can't take the next step. Too much inertia. I'm gonna vomit all over my shirt. It'll drip down and stain my legs. My shins are scarred and bruised -- blue and green dots covers. Continoous scatching, (until it bleeds). And then some more. Go further.
Food makes me nauseous, not eating make me nauseous. Who do I see? I need to curl up and die already. I truely am sorry for all of this
I don't know what to do (if I ever did). I'm existing day to day without ever living. I don't need to live. I have no problems, except not having any. I've died without ever having tried. Everyon e is moving on, I want to too -- but... but?
Slit slash peel remove excoriate my fleisch please please. I don't wanna. Gut rot
What is it then, that causes it? It's a different species of hurt. You hate school, or work, or some of yr friends, or yr spouse. The hate is acute but reconisable. What do I reconise? Where is the source of my pain? My head? My room? I have nothing and noone and no institution to direct my hate and hate and hate towards, nothing but my humanity -- my pure existance, myself, whatever. Who else is to blame? Noone && nothing.
I'll scream and yell to myself. I'll talk to myself. I'll hurt: myself. My hate and angst and pain and anger and the subordination of what existance should be for me has torn my life into shreads limply wafting in a sick shallow breeze. And I can do nothing but stare. I can't stick the pieces back together!!!!!!!! They keep falling back into the rythmn of the breeze, I contain too much inertia to reach up; I need a gust.
I think i'm going to vomit from being so sad all the time. I hate it. I hate it. My brains turned to mush. I think it's dripping out of my ears
help there's only so much of this I can take and I wish i'd have reached the limit so many days, months, ago. please this is my personal purgatory there's nothing else to explain it by words don't and can't convey what's it's like it's repeating over and over again and i feel too helpless to even attempt to stop it i see a text from a friend and i feel like vomiting after i eat i feel like vomiting i do anything my stomach is being punched and the liquid inside wants to get out. this is too much but still, STILL not enough for me to do anything please god please this is my own making i did this all to myslef noone forced me to do this or become what i am and what im doing(nothing) it's a sick feeling the air feels sick sick sick sick. my head will split open from this shit inside it. all it's fed is shit. entertainment to distract but to never advance.
i know what i need to do to change this, i knew it 2 motnhs ago and i did nothing and im doing nothing now. how much longer until it becomes too much? it';s already past the threshould but still nothing is happening im doing nothing. nothing.
it takes too lomg to get here but i was here by the second day of novmeber. i've been in this loop for 3 months? GOD. how can anyone endure it? i can't when was the last time i even felt anything but mudane monotmny or sadness or anger or whatever im feeling now it';s been so long i want something real but everythings gone away i cant get up i try i get up but i fall t=right back down again na di try and try and try and noone really cares. i will be forgotten eventually these feeling have all been felt before these words have all been written before. it's dumb feeing like this, it's already been flet before. why shoudl i keep feelig ;ike this? why shouldi keep suffering because i can't be bothered? what am i doing? why not try or try but i tried and it fuck
distractions only work for so many minutes before i remmeber again. and again. the cyce repeats eberything is a blur THIS is a blur just like everything else i my brain is working too afast and too slow both occy=uring at this same time same place. i can't THINK RIGHT but all i do is THINK and look at the walls or this screen or that until the point i DO osmething else and it feels less real than my dreams or movies. i see movies so much my brain has associated words and pitures and paper and sleeping and dreams and black as more real than first person existance looking around it's never as real as the thoughts in my head and the pictures in my mind. please this isn;t living this is barely exietance all it is is purgatory and i'm the ONLY one that can change it why can't i do it?
And I was too late, again
I still don't know what to do. help me i can't think anymore
I want to want something other than wanting
I know I should be happy but I don't care I fucking hate it I god I did better than her. my parents don't make any money I really really hate it I really really really hate it.
I did better than her but she's still going to my dream school with a full ride and I got nothing. I can't afford it. it's so hard to not be resentful i'm still stuck in my hometown I just I really hate it why do people that hurt you get to go on and be so happy and i'm still here
I did better than her but she's still going to my dream school with a full ride and I got nothing. I can't afford it. it's so hard to not be resentful i'm still stuck in my hometown I just I really hate it why do people that hurt you get to go on and be so happy and i'm still here
I feel like vomiting why everytime this is the result. maybe I just don’t try hard enough but I really, really tried this time
I don't like life. Sure, i've had some fun, had some happy moments; but at the end of it all I just despise living and having to continue doing this shit just so i can survive another day, and then to do it over and over and over again until i die anyway. just this time as a wrinkled failure pissing myself instead of a fresh "so much potential" teenager. this makes me sick. when you die you only lose the present moment. nothing else. you die tomorrow, you die in 60 years -- you lose the same thing. fuck
It's total, all encompassing ennui. Luke warm air carresses and stings without pain. I lie in my bed, I sit in my bed, I stand I move I get pushed back down -- a soft, gentle caress. My ennui is true and sick and warped into desolation and it falls down and down back into what's real? My thoughts? My bed? My words? Nothing but now
I can only eat when my body becomes sick and weak. My arms shake and I feel a cold sweat and my heart beats stronger and louder(it makes its way to my ears) -- and then I finally make food when I feel too sick to stand (which is not good for cooking....). I eat it, and feel even sicker. Seriously, why does my body try t0 vomit when I'm hungry? It seems so counterintuitive
I think I'm going deliourous from the pain, it's okay. I can see you and you can see me. My perfect
Is it even worth it?
I wish I
See, I'm so contradictory.
I don't know what to do. Do something, something! And deal with the consequences later.... Why does my life have such strong surface tension? It's so hard to break. I'm trying I'm trying.
I should've known that this is who I'd be. Who changes? When have I ever changed to come on time? To care? I don't care. I never really have. What's the point of caring I don't care to care, ever and ever.
I can't even remember what I did today.
I've been awake for 9 hours now, what have I done? What's taken up 9 hours of my life? Nothing? It can't of been nothingI have to have done something but been suken into my bed. But still, nothing is coming to me. Just get out of my head. There's nothing left for me please God please just can't I do something?
Why is it so hard for me to do anything. I really don't care to do anything.so if I don't care so much, can't this manifest into action? But, I don;t care what happens,so I take the path of least resistance. Where I can flow down and be comfortable and it's all too easy. Just sinking and sinking on and on and on, no change except dribbling a little further, growing slightly older. Without even noticing I've almost reached the bottom. How much further can I go?
You really should've known that this is how you would end up. Bored, unmotivated, lacking direction, no real interest in anything real, jaded, sad, miserable, angry but still too understanding of everything and anything. I don't want to burn in hell forever. Forever is too too long. I'm sorry. Maybe I should become a nun....
My catharsis is strong and pure. My violent catharsis leads to nothing but comfort and sickness. I wish I could be more like you. It tastes like green glass.
Does this grant me deeper insight into who I am? Probably not. I can write forever, and yet still I don't think It'll ever truely understand why I started.
It takes one experinece to decide but still it's not determining. You can come back later, you can decide later. Decide something else?
Maybe. It's still a new choice you can make.
My spine is bent and my eyes are bulging out. Throughout my bbody I can FEEL my ugliness. It's not just apperances anymore, although it's still felt keenly.
Ruining my senses. Muffling my mind. Whatever!
I think I've lost track of where I was supposed to be going..... God, can I please see the light? I need to be revelated.
It's all. so. stupid. I need to feel more.
HHHHHH I Just need to do something!!!!!!!!!! Anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please, please.
....I can just pretend that it doesn't hurt. THat I don't want to. That I'm not nervous or scared or feel so small.
indubitable . INDUBITABLE!! INDUBITABLE!!!!!!!! holy shit.
SHUT UPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHIT UP SHTUTTTTT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
Heart fluttery and empty it hurts I'm so sorry
I HATE JOB HUNTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
PLEASE EUCKING DIE KJIL LYOURSELF JUST FUCKING FUCK DIE DIE DIE DIE NNDIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!111AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHLESKB;OIT5UJGM09ETSP,,LM LRKN LNFM;CV
This feeling that ties me up until I can't even swallow. I'm so so sick I'm so despaired. How am I so tired but I've never woken up?
I don't have anything to write anymore. My memory has gotten so bad, I can't remember what I did yesterday and nothing of the day before; everyday day is the same so why remember any of it? Long days, short weeks, even shorter months. Over and over again til I become too seasick to walk. I think I;'m falling over, I've wasted too much time. Months of thinking? Thinking of what????? I can't remember.
What can I do? Walk? I'm so self pitying. Too much pity. Nothing matters anymore, nothing but my room. All that exists is what I see and who Iam. If I recognise it, can explain it -- even if it's agonisng my mind or memory I'm on the floor curled up from pain --
it's okay. I understand. When it's inexplainable, foreign, devested of lights and familiar sound and feeling I think I'll lose my mind. Maybe this is all this has been.
I feel I look like a 40yr old crack WHORE who's stomach is reaching towards her knees, and when you look at her you're afraid the skin is going to rip and her stomach flap will fall to the ground; or that she's going to take off her shirt and air her saggy, sad breasts to everyone. Her skin is so puckered and weathered and wrinkled and scarred. Old and worn.
My nose is so big it swallows my face up. And my hands are hideous and I can FEEL and I KNOW how UGLY REPULSIVE I LOOK AND AM. Even my personality, who I AM AS A PERSON is so utterly disgusting it makes me want to vomit. I can feel it rising already.
I wish I wasn't like this. But still, I lack the drive or motivation or passion or discipline to change anything. I WANT OUT!
Oh god my voice is so utterly repulsive, and the way my face morphs into something even more hideous when I talk, god I.... fuck. I can't describe how monstrous I look when I watch a video of me talking or HEAR me TALK. I'm disgusting! Slimy! Repulsive! Why did you say that? Why were your hands positioned like that? Why?
Even my writing is horrible and I KNOW you're agreeing with me.
fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfiu8cvvdisfs
And why do I become so anxious sometimes? It punches me out of nowhere and I'm left dealing with my fast beating heart and my sad, hurting stomach. My feelings are incredibly somatic.
I think because in 10th grade, everytime I drank I mixed it with the cheapest energy drink my best friend could buy at the supermarket. So, I would be sitting in my cubical drinking liquid death mixed with pure caffeiene & chemicals, hearing everyone around me use the bathroom, teachers coming in and out, while finishing my drink. This was, of course, after not eating all day and typically also the night before so everything would hit. so. hard. My heart would feel so heavy and sick. Then, the night after, while I was trying to sleep my heart ould beat so loud and so fast and so heavily I thought I was dying. Then, of course, my head would be focusing and freaking out over my heart beating and consequently my heart would beat even faster, even hheavier....
God heart palpitations are so so scary
And I guess that
I'm not rereading what I wrote, that was embarasing... anyway, I was so sick last night. I don't know why, but soon after eating dinner I became nauseous, my stomach starting crmaping, I was lightheaded, weak, and cold. It was horrible. The entire night I felt disgusting and I woke up at 4pm the next day, sleeping for an interrupted & painful 14 hours. Great.
Now, I still feel miserable. My head and jaw are aching, and it feels like I've been clenching my teeth for the past 2 days, but I haven't. Everything seems off. Moreover, the sensation in my neck is so weird it feels like my head is going to fall off.
This is all so strange. Why do I feel so terrible? I haven't fallen over or eaten something expired or otherwise tainted.... I can't be sick, I haven't been out for too many days. Ugh.
Currently I'm painfully awake, I've tried to sleep but my mind is rebelling again. Looking at this screen probably isn't helping my headache, or the bulging feeling growing in my eyes.... but, without it I'll be keenly aware of everything wrong.
I've wasted so much time already it's pathetic
I don't enjoy being sick, however I like how there's something to fix. A maladay which has a cause, and through a brief period of time, some rest and perhaps some medicine, it will be cured. There's a way to get through it and I enjoy knowing that there is something to fix. And suddenly I get relief from the constant fear and obvious reality of how much wasted time I'm acculmulating; being sick negates it as obviously I'm in no state to go out, or to get a job, or to progress my life. I need to heal, in bed, alone. So, now there's a problem to be fix and I'm shieled from living. If only it didn't feel so horrible.....
Heart so sore and throbbing enfless FUCK
God I have no purpose in life. All thruout my ecistance I've struggled with pointlessness. Becasue, it all is!!! It's not a lie or onspiracy, life is so fucking pointless.. It doesn't realy matter what you do, so why not dowhatever vI want to? Seroiusly, there is no code of condut for life. There is NO right or wrong, just how we percieve it... good, bad - whatever, it's all the same.
I needa pee BRB
uber 90's kewl
Lately I keep falling asleep at 7pm, then waking up at 11pm. It'd be good, however I then go back to sleep early in the morning and sleep until late, wasting the day away - again. ugh. my life.
Currently I'm sitting on the black leather couch in my room that my family helped to move in here a few days ago - after the suggestion from my mum. The couch is comfortable, but my head is in a weird position causing my neck to feel tired, and my arms are slightly too long to type properly - leaving them feeling cramped. Through spotify I am listening to the Melvins' Stoner Witch album, I've never heard it before but it's good enough. Ugh an ad is now playing.
I have my fan on speed 1 spinning in the corner of my room, creating a rthymic white background noise. I usually turn it off when I'm not asleep, but I forgot to today.
When I first finished college, I didn't expect to miss striving towards a common goal as much as I have. I deeply deeply want to experience the comradery and understanding we all shared again. We were all working to entirely the same ending, together. It was all so simple. I ache to live like that again. These days, I'm so lost. I have small goals sure - like getting a job or making enough money to move to university, but I'm alone in all of it. I don't have a team or a group of friends anymore. I'm doing everything for myself, by myself. So so lost. And alone.
I miss that.
shared experience we all had striving to finish school. It's an ache, I have to surrond myself in that enviroment again.
- not the math problems or early morning classes - but
I need to purge delete erase who I was. I almost vomited looking at old photos of me, that's who I used to be? I knew I was ugly, but fuck, that was a whole new level. I never thought I was fat, but I unquestionably was. How fat am I still?
I hate my past self I want to kill her, I need to break her nose slice her lips, skin her face and cut off her limbs and stab her stomach until her intensitines leak out of the festering wounds and then let ants suck the fat off her bones. Maggots can eat her eyes then I'll burn the rest -- bury the ashes deep, deep, down into a completly barren land so that it can never taint any living creature again.
I'm disgusting completly revoluting absolutely hideous repulsive vile. Maybe I'll burn myself alive
Torture being forced to look the way I do. Irrevocably repulsive and nauseating.
Words cannot and will never come close to conveying the acute pain and disgust it is to be me. It's deep and absolute and coats my life in oleaginous scum that NEVER scrubs off. Never clean never content. Never pure.
Blank and vacant forever. There's nothing behind my eyes.
I'm disgusting and as much as I try to hide it it wells up on my face, my hair my skin my eyes my body.
Feeling sad and depressed, what's new?
Had another job interview today, this time at Coles. Went ok. Hope I get the job. The man conducting the interview rambled on about his cars, how proud he was of his son, and how he had cancer. Still, he was nice.
I don't know why I feel this way. So gloomy and depressed - melancholy and deprived. Just, down.
I drunk justtt a bit before the interview, wish I had more because it turned out to be a group interview. The only questions he asked were: tell me about yourself, do you play a sport, do you drive? I just lied. But also I don't think I said enough I wish I could do it again. Maybe that's why I feel so depressed, I'm disappointed in myself because I know I could've done better. Huh, maybe that's just my life.
Uuughhhhh my stomach hurts really really bad again I think ?I'm gonna vomit i feel likeit fuckfuckfuikckfvkjdfauier
proviided it's not psychosomatic or like i feel like im loosing my mind i will take mental pain any any any ANY day over physical cramping pain nausea ache throbbing soreness deep, deep in me I can;t bare it xfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck what'sthe cause? god please please please please not sself inflicted physical pain i cannot deal with torture so deep and real and true
Days are still passing, without reason or end. No desire for them to cease, not currently. What's been my life lately? Just existing. Nothing more or less. I filled out my flower garden a few days ago, I can't wait to see them bloom.
I'll be 19 in a few months... vomit. I never wanted to see the day come. It's insanely depressing getting older, I'm expiring day by day -- my skin sagging my brain rotting, and there's no action I can take to slow down or delay this relentless process. Sucks.
I feel neutral. Milquetoast. Without reason or drive or strength, lifeless and drowsy. I still get very angry very fast over inane matters , but gradually there's less .... triggers, I suppose. Life is blah. I'm the epitome of a dull green, straight lined, smiley face; "How was your experience today?" -- I'm the middle option. Just okay. All the bumps have been sanded down, corners dulled, the stray grass cut.
and I really do not care enough to do anything about it.
Felt unwell again. Was nauseous and sick and weak and just felt disgusting. It was probably something I ate again, maybe the icecream or the Indian takeaway? I don't know, but the nausea is starting to become more frequent. I was sick with identical symptoms barely a week ago. Ah, I hope this isn't another weird medical issue I have. I've experienced enough of those for 2 lifetimes over.
So, today I've been sticking with plain boring foods, hoping nothing triggers another episode. It's painful, I was supposed to go out early this morning - disappointed I wasn't able to.
Sipping on lemon water currently. Tastes gross, and I can see fluffy pith floating in it.
....I'm so tired of everything; life is so so pointless and dull.
=I feel it harsher. 79rff6otygj khytuo7y80h9pyvuogf ylhovgph89-uijn b
I wanna feel, I wanna feel, I wanna feel, I wanna feel, I wanna feel, I wanna feel like I feel when I'm asleep
Can ugly be a feeling? I think so, as I feel it acutely. It constantly cuts to the forefront of my mind distracting myself from everything else. I'm self-absorbed with my ugliness and disgust, instead of beauty. How can I live with myself and go outside when I feel like my face is raping everyone's eyeballs? With each mirror I look in, I get uglier; the longer I look the more my face morphs into the truth. Personality manifests as apperance: sick sallow fat disgusting. I wish I wasn't like this, kms with a shotgun to the face blow off my head please, nothing left but the blood and meat, gristle, bone, yellow gleaming fat. My body will be rightfully and naturally azoic again. Finally
What makes me mad?
Being too hot
The inner blanket falling to one side, making the duvet uneven
The sound of pianos
The word 'cat'
The sound of my brother's door
Cunts who stand in front of food in grocery stores for so long
No soap in bathrooms
Public bathrooms where the tap is positioned close to the basin so your hands touch the sink while washing them
The sound of weeds being scraped off concrete with a metal tool
The sound of cutting food with metal knifes on ceramic plates
The sound of chainsaws early in the morning
Empty toilet paper rolls left on the holder
The smell of eggs
The smell of cooking meat
Greasy computer mice + keyboards
Dealing with bureaucracy
Waiting in service stations
Buses being cancelled without warning
Exccessivly late busses
Snide remarks directed to me
People who wont shut the fuck up so I can do my work
People who don't take fucking NO as an answer just respect my fucking NO
People with ZERO tact who cannot take a fucking hint
People chewing with their mouths opens
People who lick their fingers while eating shared food
Men with beards
Literally any fat person
People who are so obviously attempting to
"subtly" gloat about how little sleep they get,
cutting themselfs, eating nothing, etc
Fags acting like being gay is sooooo
fucking incredible and it's something they should
be incredibly and absolutely proud of